And it never occurred to me that that conflation was happening, and it was happening on such a wide level. Perhaps he was disappointed in me, or in an environment where writers saved the best and juiciest controversies for private conversations. Sarah Hepola is the author of the New York Times bestseller, "Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget," now out in paperback. . Hepola conveys both the horror in the mysteries left after a night smudged dark by drinking, and the draw of overdrinking that kept her carving out her memory with alcohol. During the resistance movement of 2016, a friends book about feminism got dropped in part because her feminism wasnt the right kind for the Trump era. Also, Id fantasized about having lunch with him, and then later being able to say that Malcolm Gladwell and I were friends. Your size might be different than my size. Into someone else's life. During the resistance movement of 2016, a friends book about feminism got dropped in part because her feminism wasnt the right kind for the Trump era. Perhaps I had internalized my own misogyny, whatever that means. And though the area of expertise Id staked out as a writer was the complications of womens independence and the nuances of sex, and my own personal brand was blunt honesty, I could not bring myself to say word one about these episodes in public. They were married in Little Falls and moved to Eden Prairie, MN in 1962. I understood such moral panics to be the product of generational hand-wringing and the religious right, which was then gaining ground. Blackouts might be the freakiest neurological occurrence that also happens to be casually categorized as another Friday night. Deeply uncomfortable. I was so scared that my life was over. Everyone kept quiet (save for the brave few who did not). From reading your book, that seemed to me like perhaps the time that was the hardest for you. Id get killed!, His look wasnt judgmental. What Sarah Hepola taught me about blackout drinking and sobriety's thrill A couple of years ago, I was asked to conduct an interview at the Texas Book Festival with Malcolm Gladwell. Fear of professional exile has kept me from taking on certain topics. His research focuses on the historical sociology of American schooling, including topics such as the evolution of high schools, the growth of consumerism, the origins and nature of education schools, and the role of schools in promoting access and advantage more than subject-matter learning. She was preceded in death by: her husband, Don; her son, Mark; and her daughter in law Twyla (Paul). She went to St. As a journalist, you can create a free Muck Rack account to customize your profile, list your contact preferences, and upload a portfolio of your best work. Maybe it would get me into The New Yorker! Cloud Teachers College and became a 4th Grade Teacher in Sebeka, MN where she met her future husband, Donald Hepola. and Al Franken became Andrew Cuomo and Dave Chappelle. Drinking felt like freedom, part of her birthright as a strong, enlightened twenty-first-century woman. Required fields are marked *. What It's Like When Alcohol Takes Over Your Life -- And Steals Your Memories, "periods of memory loss for events that transpired while a person was drinking,". 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. Its very unusual for sexual assaults involving a blackout to get a conviction, partly for this reason. They were just telling me about their life, and I was like, Oh man, me too. Louis C.K. I thought that my dating life was over, because there was no way in hell that I was gonna be able to be intimate with somebody without drinking. Oh I cant, I said, and its hard to read Malcolm Gladwell, but his body language expressed something like: Then what are we doing here? Sarah is survived by her husband, Russell Hepola; children, Paula (John) Hepola Anderson, Annette (John) Blume, Lynn (Delbert) Fickes & Keith Hepola; grandchildren, Joanna Anderson, Bryan (Mackenzie) Blume, Joshua (Kelsie) Blume, Maria (Cory) Grunewald, Hannah (Mikael) VahnDijk, Christopher Fickes, Angelene (John) Winges & Shane (Kristi) Fickes; But in 2015 Id written a memoir that introduced some controversial ideas about women and drinking, and I badly wanted to be a part of their rogue outfit, even as I clung to the more doctrinaire one Id long considered my own. Perhaps he was disappointed in me, or in an environment where writers saved the best and juiciest controversies for private conversations. I just thought this was how it was donewe said one thing in public, and backstage we said what we really thought. I was not in that situation; I was on the other side of the fence. Oprah managed deep conversations with each of them, never pointing out that one account brushed uncomfortably against the other. woozy with rainbows." She lives in Dallas. ThisNew York Times bestseller will resonate with anyone who has been forced to reinvent or struggled in the face of necessary change. Not gonna die in that ditch today. Movies and books became a refuge, along with the Top 40 radio I listened to at night in my pink-and-red bedroom to drown out arguments between my parents, who were going through a rough patch. Join Tracy Clark-Flory as she presents her newest book Want Me: A Sex Writer's Journey Into the Heart of Desire. There are some crucial details missing from Sarah Hepola's new memoir, Blackout -- but that's the whole point. Here's a link to the original. To listen. Some of them just never spoke about it and silently worried. David Bentley Hart How to Write English Prose, Course Syllabi with Links to Readings and Slides. When you are making policy, and when you are trying to make social change, it behooves you to speak in very clear terms, you know? You mention that you were able to write off educational materials about excessive drinking -- like a student health center pamphlet, in college -- because they just didnt seem that realistic to you. My heart goes out to people who have that situation. But so many of these spectacles could be grouped under a more mundane heading. But I thought thats what writers do.. Id spent the past five or so years watching celebrities, pundits, friends, and internet randos fall from grace for reasons as varied as sharing dumb jokes, making clumsy writing errors, accidentally showing their dong, and expressing controversial (though often widely held) opinions in the public execution chambers of social media. ), I sympathized deeply with Miller. Taboo subjects have always been delectable, but suddenly we were living in a time when so much that was once considered fair game for discussion (education, biological differences, the benefits of policing) had become dangerous. But the world kept exploding, and I only retreated further into my hidey-hole. Fear. Sarah grew up in Dallas, Texas, and was brought up in a household of modest chaos. What would you say to people who are maybe 30 days out from quitting? Prickly issues that deserve a full airing are being treated as settled law. ", When she was having a blackout, Hepola explains, she could appear to be interacting with the world consciously -- but afterward, she would have no memory of what had happened. But admitting what Ireallythought, what Ireallybelieved about these complicated issues, I feared a similar exile. I had to learn a tolerance to sit in my own uncomfortable feelings -- and then you kind of start thinking, What kind of life do I want to build for myself?. The stories that youre telling me arent funny anymore., That was something that was big for me. But there was a . They respond to that with love. To do so risks public shaming and possible loss of livelihood, both of which are of overwhelming importance to people like Hepola who write for a living. In Blackout, Hepola likens sobriety to a "plot twist" and shows the anguish that befell her when she was finally forced to face a version of herself, sans alcohol, head-on. He could take the hits. I was so proud of this small, private act of civil disobedience that I brought it home to Texas to show it to the younger man like a prized pelt. Well, has the Internet read The Corrections?. Leave your condolences to the family on this memorial page or send flowers to show you care. David F. Labaree is Lee L. Jacks Professor at the Stanford University Graduate School of Education and a professor (by courtesy) in history. Fewer open bars, more closed DMs. (I have no reason to suspect that Chanel Miller is a chronic blackout drinker, but my research taught me that blackout drinking can be chronic in college environments. On the master of precise prose, falling in love, and writing as an irrelevant act. Not to engage in callouts, or scolding, or eye rolls, which are not my style, but to express my own deep ambivalence, my own point of view on subjects that matter to me. Public shaming is the worst kind of shaming. At what point does an AirBNB just become a hotel? Do you have any advice for someone who is thinking about broaching the subject of drinking problems with a friend? Staying silent as writers in this fractured world is understandable, maybe even wise; its also a disserviceto society, the career we fought so hard to claim, and ourselves. Thats not what this is about. Its kind of mind-boggling to contemplatethat not pouring a beer on a strangers head would be the bad career move. Not to engage in callouts, or scolding, or eye rolls, which are not my style, but to express my own deep ambivalence, my own point of view on subjects that matter to me. It started early (she first stole sips of beer at age 7), and blazed a destructive path through several decades of her life. by Sarah Hepola (Author) 2,944 ratings Editors' pick Best Biographies & Memoirs See all formats and editions Kindle $10.99 Read with Our Free App Audiobook $0.00 Free with your Audible trial Hardcover $22.45 85 Used from $1.49 25 New from $10.50 5 Collectible from $6.00 Paperback Shes the host and creator of the Texas Monthly podcastAmericas Girls, an eight-part series on the lost history and cultural impact of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, a series that no less thanVogue magazine said expertly complicates Americas cheerleading obsession. Sarah never knew she was a cat person until she got a cat. Oh God, I did that. My friends and I at the alternative paper in Austin, Texas, sat around long communal tables at dive bars arguing about pop culture, trying to one-up one another with off-color jokes as we downed pint after pint. I simply could not gamble with my future. What if I picked up the groceries and I got the wrong ones? The younger man and I could talk in an antic way Id come to find quite valuable. This was the stuff of doorstop novels, and yet people were working it out in 280 characters dashed off in line at Trader Joes. Its a bad situation, to be relying on alcohol for your acceptance, because then you start doing things that are unacceptable. Wiki Bio of Sarah Hepola net worth is updated in 2023. A story about sex workers during the pandemic written by a nonsex worker who didnt even frequent strip clubs? When men are in a blackout, they do things to the world, he told me. As jobs in the industry diminished, journalism had become even more cutthroat. Ask the Puritans. But I thought thats what writers do.. Id long considered myself a liberal and a feminist, but Id grown terrified of being banished for views I considered reasonable, or at least worth discussingbut maybe, but what about, but actually. In the pandemic madness of 2021, a journalist friend who enjoyed sounding off on science and homeopathy decided to stay the hell away from COVID. So I was relieved that someone of Gladwells stature had broached the topic. Because I was part of a binge-drinking culture and because it was a part of my life, I always knew -- ever since I blacked out when I was 12. Public scolding, all-caps hyperbole, a stubborn refusal to understand another point of viewintolerance, once perceived as a conservative problem, was fully bipartisan now. Fear. Her essays have appeared in the New York Times magazine, the Atlantic, Elle, Bloomberg Businessweek, The Guardian, Salon, and Texas Monthly. Well, has the Internet read The Corrections?. Louis C.K. Follow her on Twitter (@sarahhepola) and Instagram . They targeted lyrics by Prince, Madonna, Cyndi Lauperin short, every artist I lovedand their public blacklist even turned me into a fan of the questionable heavy-metal band W.A.S.P., whose name was thought to be an acronym for We Are Sexual Perverts. (I had no idea!). What was trauma, really? Its projection. I have that line in the book: Activism may defy nuance, but sex demands it." Privately, I worried I was wrong. She went to St. Ask the Puritans. The Internet hates Franzen? He was not an online creature, despite being 29. Perhaps my thinking, steeped in the classic liberalism of 90s slacker culture, was unevolved. In the pandemic madness of 2021, a journalist friend who enjoyed sounding off on science and homeopathy decided to stay the hell away from COVID. Phone dates with writer friends in other parts of the country stretched to two and three hours as we worked out essays we would never write, toggling between outrage, despair, and armchair cultural analysis of the latest dustup. A journalist whose delightfully combative Twitter account I read regularly, like an episodic novel. I didnt deserve to be there, or at least thats how I felt as guests exchanged war stories about the scolds on social media, where I mostly posted upcoming appearances, like a bot run by a PR firm. Rags to Riches: How US Higher Ed Went from Pitiful to Powerful, podcast about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, Follow David Labaree on Schooling, History, and Writing on WordPress.com, Paul Fussell Thank God for the Atom Bomb, The Winning Ways of a Losing Strategy: Educationalizing Social Problems in the US. She was preceded in death by: her husband, Don; her son, Mark; and her daughter in law Twyla (Paul). What was I, a rape apologist? I have spoken to women who, when they wake up and they cant remember what happened the night before, their immediate thing is, I was drugged; I was roofied. And that is possible, but I think one of the things that wasnt out there, to my thinking, was just how often excessive drinking leads to blacking out, especially for women. For press inquiries or to contact the author, click here. But the way I was doing business had become a prison of my own making. I carved out a journalism career during an era when that was not so hard to do. I was screwed. One of the great mistakes of our moment is being deemed on the wrong side of history. But has anyone read ahead in the book so they know how future generations will see this stuff? Some of them were just never going to cut me out, no matter what. My writer friends and I huddled backstage at panels in green rooms filled with chocolate-chip cookies and veggie platters, whispering about everything we couldnt say out there, in the scary beyond. For me, in terms of consent, there are these very clear lines. Given your experience, do you think there is a better way to educate people about these issues? This was 2018, and the party was an informal gathering at the sumptuous Brooklyn brownstone of a writer deemed problematic, even before that word went mainstream. Sarah Hepola is the author of the memoir Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget, a New York Times bestseller. Sally was born on September 1, 1928, to Frank and Noella Hall in Little Falls, MN. Im not gonna deal with that person because that person brings chaos -- and I understand that. She eventually identified herself as Chanel Miller, but at the time of the statements publication, it was anonymous, and identified only the other key figure, a swimmer named Brock Turner, whose ubiquitous mug shot helped turn him into the poster child for every smug athlete, every entitled douchebag the world has ever known. The younger man and I could talk in an antic way Id come to find quite valuable. published June 24, 2015. Is there anything that would have been helpful for you to hear, or that you would say to people who are in that stage right now? But then, if you drink too much, alcohol lowers your judgement and your inhibitions. Consent, complicity, moral trespass, power dynamics. . Id think those would be the most interesting things to write about., I gave him an exasperated look. A couple of years ago, I was asked to conduct an interview at the Texas Book Festival with Malcolm Gladwell. Peak Atlantic. And a lot of us are trapped in that sorry place. I thought that my friendships were over, because alcohol had been such a point of bonding for us. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, The Guardian, the Atlantic, Salon, and Elle. During a blackout, the alcohol user may behave normally, yet have no recollection of events upon sobriety. And the unsavory truth is that, as someone who has done Very Stupid Things while drinking, I also sympathized with Turner. All my friends drank -- why were they telling me its not OK, when their drinking was OK? Privacy | ), Backstage at the Texas Book Festival event, I chatted with Gladwell. Hepola, a personal essays editor at Salon who experienced blackouts during her 25 years of drinking, assumed everyone knew what they were. Its a fair point, but me, personally? I toyed with the idea of writing about Brock Turner. I grew so deeply uncomfortable, so roiled with shame, that I began plotting new careers. I stayed on a podcast about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders that I feared everyone would hate, and I braced myself to be unpopular, to take the hits, which never really came. A writers life is financially precarious. Sarah Hepola The Things I'm Afraid to Write About by David Labaree March 24, 2022 Leave a Comment This post is a remarkable essay by Sarah Hepola, which appeared recently online at Atlantic. In the sixth grade, I did a six-week research project on the PMRC, the Parents Music Resource Center, and you might call that lengthy, impassioned report my first long-form story. 30 Articles Style & Design |. In the sixth grade, I did a six-week research project on the PMRC, the Parents Music Resource Center, and you might call that lengthy, impassioned report my first long-form story. He was president of the History of Education Society and member of the executive board of the American Educational Research Association. Id say it was disappointed. There was a lot about blackouts I didnt know before I read your book. I told these stories and everyone laughed and I felt heroic. She liked how it. What was I, a rape apologist? This was 2018, and the party was an informal gathering at the sumptuous Brooklyn brownstone of a writer deemed problematic, even before that word went mainstream. One evening, I sat on the brown-leather couch of a younger man who admired me for my writing, and maybe other things, if the salty text messages were true. Like me, the younger man had fallen in love with art because it was the place where people told the truth. Bestselling author Sarah Hepola hosts this journey through the wild and glamorous saga of a sideline spectacle that changed sports, fashion, entertainment, and countless childhoods of boys and girls like her. One of the great mistakes of our moment is being deemed on the wrong side of history. But has anyone read ahead in the book so they know how future generations will see this stuff? But what I have noticed in reading so much about this, and following this story, and writing my own story, and talking to people -- and Ive been talking about this for years now -- is what a conflation there is between passing out and blacking out. A journalist whose delightfully combative Twitter account I read regularly, like an episodic novel. Are you kidding? I spoke to Hepola, a former colleague of mine, about drinking, body image, the politics of consent and what to do if you think you know someone who has a problem. Was the gender wage gap a myth? If I had to pick, I think I'd honestly say I miss smoking more - although it is nice being able to go up a flight of stairs and not feel like I'm dying! A nagging sense that I did not know enough about any given controversy to weigh in publicly (though that never stopped so many others). Because I wanted to talk to other writers about the things you cant write about anymore., His eyes narrowed. Id choose a lot of gnarly punishments before Id choose to lose the status and career Ive built over more than two decades. Oh, absolutely! Political talking points dont lie neatly along human behavior. . Instead of just not inviting me, which she could have done -- she could have just slowly slinked out of my life, and I would have probably just stayed in denial and thought, You know what? . My husband broke up with me, but I didn't drink! I understood such moral panics to be the product of generational hand-wringing and the religious right, which was then gaining ground. The reviews were mixed, but the hits didnt really come, maybe because by the time his book came out, during the cresting wave of Black Lives Matter, the culture had moved away from #MeToo discussions, or maybe because nobody felt like tangling with Malcolm Gladwell. Sarah Hepola @sarahhepola Feb 22, 2023 @TheJenosphere That sounds incredible. Advice for someone who has been forced to reinvent or struggled in book. 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